Unconditional Love

My wife does not love me unconditionally. She loves me within certain value parameters. But, it doesn’t matter. Because, the parameters she has set are actually good for my long term growth as a human being.

Therein lies the nub. Most women/Men love or think that they love or that they ought to love their partner unconditionally. This means, they deem it their duty to ignore the other’s faults or shortcomings. They have a humongous blind spot. This creates superb victims or martyrs depending on the other paty’s response to this ‘unconditional’ love. This is a Lose/Win contract that’s destructive for the victim/martyr.(Try trelling this to them!)

Most unconditional love has subtle value parameters. pretty girl marries a rich man and loves him unconditionally as long as he provides her with the material wealth she seeks. The conditions she places are not for the benefit of the other person but for her own personal benefit. As long as love is filtered through ego, it is not unconditional. But where conditions are not filtered through ego but a genuine wish to improve the other person, such conditional love is better than the unconditiona love that destroys and deludes either or both the partners.

Another combination is a situation where one party is too critical or abusive. (In fact, this is ususlly the other party in the ‘unconditional’ love example we saw above. This is not conditional love. This is simply no love at all.It’s a Win/Lose relationship that’s going nowhere.

Imagine a marriage where both parties love each other unconditionally. That is to say both are willing to ignore their faults and shortcomings. While they will be extremely happy in the short run, in the long run they would have made so many mistakes in life that the whole point of a healthy marriage would be lost. This is a lose/lose marriage. They laugh but do not smile. They are living a lie and delude themselves. These people are usually the educated middle class who need to put on a show of happiness. This breaks down once the children settle down and the social need to live together is gone.

It is better to be honest to your spouse. Shortcomings and faults should be discussed and addressed as both the parties actualize their fullest potential on the parallel and adjacent paths they have chosen to take voluntarily and out of a deep (but not unconditional) affection and admiration for the other.