Unconditional Love

My wife does not love me unconditionally. She loves me within certain value parameters. But, it doesn’t matter. Because, the parameters she has set are actually good for my long term growth as a human being.

Therein lies the nub. Most women/Men love or think that they love or that they ought to love their partner unconditionally. This means, they deem it their duty to ignore the other’s faults or shortcomings. They have a humongous blind spot. This creates superb victims or martyrs depending on the other paty’s response to this ‘unconditional’ love. This is a Lose/Win contract that’s destructive for the victim/martyr.(Try trelling this to them!)

Most unconditional love has subtle value parameters. pretty girl marries a rich man and loves him unconditionally as long as he provides her with the material wealth she seeks. The conditions she places are not for the benefit of the other person but for her own personal benefit. As long as love is filtered through ego, it is not unconditional. But where conditions are not filtered through ego but a genuine wish to improve the other person, such conditional love is better than the unconditiona love that destroys and deludes either or both the partners.

Another combination is a situation where one party is too critical or abusive. (In fact, this is ususlly the other party in the ‘unconditional’ love example we saw above. This is not conditional love. This is simply no love at all.It’s a Win/Lose relationship that’s going nowhere.

Imagine a marriage where both parties love each other unconditionally. That is to say both are willing to ignore their faults and shortcomings. While they will be extremely happy in the short run, in the long run they would have made so many mistakes in life that the whole point of a healthy marriage would be lost. This is a lose/lose marriage. They laugh but do not smile. They are living a lie and delude themselves. These people are usually the educated middle class who need to put on a show of happiness. This breaks down once the children settle down and the social need to live together is gone.

It is better to be honest to your spouse. Shortcomings and faults should be discussed and addressed as both the parties actualize their fullest potential on the parallel and adjacent paths they have chosen to take voluntarily and out of a deep (but not unconditional) affection and admiration for the other. 

Dove in Flight from the rear

Dove in Flight; Flying away

Why I am a Donkey

Because

I am the Whole; I am Perfection; I am Eternal Bliss.

Yet I delude myself that I am this

 limited, imperfect, unhappy 

combination of Body, Mind and Intellect!

A Tale of Two Swamijis

I was a  bit reluctant to publish this post as I have done my best to avoid negative comments. Yet, the sentiments expressed here are meant to promote thought rather than provoke comment. 

There was a swamiji. He was the local head of a spiritual organization. The swamiji was a great orator. People loved to hear his fiery discourses. Some even felt he was almost like the founder of the organization.

The organization was a registered society. To increase the number of members the organization forced the parents of children joining their schools to become life members. A life member is someone who will be your member till he dies. But these parents lost their interest once their children finished school and went to college and then abroad and so on; some stayed connected. Most did not.

So although there were thousands of LMs on the record only a very few helped the organization. These were people who admired the founder and loved his teachings But  the monthly News-letter had to be sent to ALL the LMs. That was the rule! This cost money!

Now, the swamiji was upset. But as he was a brilliant swamij and he got this idea. So he called a meeting of the LMs. A few attended. At that meeting the swamiji made them pass a resolution that any LM who did not attend two General meetings will cease to be a life member (No! The swamiji will not kill them! But they cannot be life members! How? I don’t know! Luckily I am not a swamiji. ;-)

Then the swamiji called another meeting. The swamiji did not call the meeting. He has to be detached. Someone else did it. In the invitation to that meeting it was stated that any LM who did not come will cease to be one! The LMs who were connected to the organization and who admired the founder came to that meeting.

They came because they valued their membership.

But many LMs did not come. May be they were parents of children who had left the school and had gone to college and then abroad and so on.(I don’t know).

The swamiji was upset. He started haranguing the LMs who had come. He was upset with the people who had not come. But he gave a severe lecture to the people who had come! The swamiji was quite upset. A few people mildly pointed out that some of the things the swamiji was proposing to do were not correct. The swamiji lost his cool then! He pounced on these blasphemers and started accusing them of disloyalty and arrogance,

The swamiji became an Angry Man.

Huh!

An angry man can become  a swamiji by conquering anger,

How can a swamiji become an angry man?

But this is what happened. Forget it.

There was another swamiji. He was a brilliant writer of spiritual essays and books. These essays were published in popular magazines. The swamiji was famous all over the world. He had many rich devotees. These devotees gave him lot of money so that the swamiji could lead a luxurious life. They themselves preferred to live like beggars.

The swamiji liked to have young girls near him. It is good for a young girl to be near a swamiji. But, is it good for the swamiji?

Hinduism says it is better to enjoy life and then become a sanyasi. But many swamijis is think it is better to become swamiji and then enjoy life.

Why can’t we all enjoy our life and allow others to enjoy theirs? You don’t have to be swamiji to be spiritual. Just be a good human being.   

Success and Failure

An important learning from 2012

God does not assure success;
but he helps us to accept and understand failure.

God on our side need not mean we will win every time;
it means His presence will ensure that we never feel dejected or depressed by failure.

IOCL Program on MaNAGERIAL sKILLS

13.12.2012

Conducted a program on Managerial Skills for the Executives of Indian Oil Corporation. It was quite well received. 98% of the participants rated my program as excellent. The rest gave Very Good.

Here are some pics:

Friends Forever Forum

I was invited by the Friends Forever Forum to address them on 9^th June 2012. The meeting was at The YWCA at Egmere. They were a small group of like-minded intellectuals who come together every second Saturday to discuss matters of common interest, interact with each other, have a nice dinner over further sparkling conversation and part with a sense of friendship and companionship. The members take turns to host the dinner. The speaker is either one of themselves or a guest like me is roped in to deliver a brief speech and lead the interaction.

  My good friend Dr. Radhika Nanwani is a member, and on 9^th June it was Dr. Radhika’s turn to be host. I was asked to speak on the topic Transformation. I explained how transformation at an individual level is possible by truly applying the fourth habit, Think Win/Win and the fifth habit Seek First to Understand and then to be Understood. When a person is willing to Transfoorm he automatically improves relationships and bondings as he is able to see things from a holistic perspective rather than the tunnel-vision that is induced by self-interest or obsessions. He also overcomes weaknesses like anger through a process of self-introspection.

I shared experiences from my own life when I had failed in relationships and how I used the Seven Habits to help me transform myself to become something somewhat better than my earlier self. But as we all agreed personal transformation is a continuous and never-ending journey.

Here is a gist of what I spoke. My actual speech was a longer and we had numerous interactions that took us down diverse paths.

Transformation means a change from one state to another state. It is preferable that the change should not be merely cosmetic or external but rather internal. In fact, transformation should be through growth and evolution. That is to say, it must be a positive movement from a lesser state of existence to a better and more preferable one.

Transformation becomes possible only if we accept that we are imperfect and are willing to listen to feedback about ourselves. Once we understand the expectations that others (especially our near and dear ones) have about us, we can attempt to transform into something better. We must accept that our current behavior is unacceptable; thereafter we may find approaches to transform ourselves.  In fact a willingness to transform proactively can result in better relationships with other people. We can become a better spouse, parent, employer, employee, friend and so on.

According to C S Lewis, growth is better than change. He says, “a tree grows by adding rings to itself; a train does not grow by going from one station to another.”

To quote the Bhagavad Gita:

“vasamsi jirnani yatha vihaya  navani grhnati naro 'parani  tatha sarirani vihaya jirnany anyani samyati navani dehi”

This translates as follows:

As a person puts on new garments, giving up old ones, similarly, the soul accepts new material bodies, giving up the old and useless ones.

Transformation is truly like the development of a bright and iridescent butterfly from an ugly caterpillar through the stage of being a chrysalis or pupa. Those of us who have read Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach can understand this.

As constant practice of thinking and contemplating on life continues, one would come to the unerring conclusion that this life itself is but one state and that death is merely a transformation from a gross to a subtle state of existence of the spirit.

Our lives should, thus, be a series of transformations. Each transformation should take us to a higher plane of existence. The ultimate goal of these successive transformations should be realization of God and becoming so luminous as to merge into his effulgence.Every religion has a name for this like Paradise, Nirvan or Moksh.

The Friends Forever Forum is open to all. The stress is on Friendship, so the atmosphere is non-judgmental and supportive. While divergent views are expressed, the tone is always polite and friendly. The idea is to learn and grow rather than influence others. I like the Friends Forever Forum and strongly recommend it to anyone who wants to spend an evening every month in relaxed intellectual conversation with friends. It is better not to go with an evangelistic motive. Your can  share your knowledge and views while at the same time you should be perfectly willing and able to listen, understand and value the inputs given by the other person.